Self-Compassion: A School Counselor’s Take on Managing the Trials of Being an Educator
WRITTEN BY: NICK BRUMMET, MS COUNSELOR & KSCA PRESIDENT-ELECT “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.” How many times have you caught yourself saying this phrase lately? Education is a profession that isn’t for the weak. As a past elementary teacher and current school counselor, I have heard from so many educators that they don’t see themselves being able to make it to retirement. I, too, have found myself questioning the same things. I have been in countless PLCs where leaders have stated “Don’t forget your why” or “practice your self-care,” but those phrases will not fix the systemic stress that comes with being an educator. According to a recent Gallup Poll (2022), “Forty-four percent of K-12 teachers reported feeling burned out often or always, making them the most burned-out profession among other professions.”
In my twelve years as an educator, there have been many times when I didn’t think I could keep going. I was exhausted, burnt out, with little energy to go to work. What was beating me down so much? It was difficult to pinpoint the exact stressors, but as time went on, I found that most of all, it was the unrealistic expectations I had for myself. The perfection that I was expecting of myself and everyone else around me was insurmountable. I spent so much time focusing on the things I couldn’t control that it became out of control. I spent countless hours thinking about what everyone else must be thinking of me. It got so bad that I finally went to my mom and said, “I think I have depression.” Here I was, a school counselor spending so much time helping my students, co-workers, and families manage things in their lives, and I wasn’t taking care of myself.
As a helping profession, it has been a difficult journey to get to where I am today. I am finally at a point in my life where I have found personal and professional balance. How did I do it? Here’s what has helped me manage myself both personally and professionally: “Going to therapy, taking an inventory of my work, finding a village, and loving myself enough to set boundaries.”
Go to Therapy
As a strong advocate for mental health, I share with many people my journey with therapy. I have been going to therapy since I was a kid, and have gone periodically throughout my life, when managing different situations in my life. From my parents’ divorce, to the death of my grandparents, to being bullied as a child and teen, to now going to therapy to manage the stress that comes with being an educator and adult. I have found that therapy has been one of the greatest approaches I could use to better understand myself and those around me. It is a weekly gift I give to myself, to stop and say, “I am going to dedicate this one hour a week to appreciating myself and the journey I am taking.” Through my therapy experience, I also learned that my mental health needed medication in combination with therapy to best manage my emotions. I have never felt freer in my life, and I often catch myself telling others that I don’t know I lived so long without this. Like me, if you find yourself struggling, I encourage you, as an educator who is swimming through the waves coming at you in full force, to try going to therapy. Talk to the school mental health professionals at your school and see if they can connect you with the resources you need. AND, if you don’t find yourself vibing with a therapist, have enough self-worth to find someone you can connect with. Sometimes it takes giving a couple of therapists a try before you find the right one.
Inventory Your Work
One of the things I have learned in therapy is to take time to inventory how I am spending my time at work. Am I connecting to things that bring me joy? Am I connecting to things that I feel passionate about? When I was at my lowest of lows, I found myself doing the mundane things that school counselors do. I was spending my time focused on enrollment and scheduling, and less time on the proactive approach of teaching counseling lessons and organizing opportunities for students to give back to our community. As a young school counselor, it was when I stepped back and dedicated time to listening to students, their wants, needs, and passions, that eventually lit a spark in me. I started taking students out in the community to connect them with people and projects that brought passion to them. I took groups of students to preschools where they taught lessons. I took groups of students to an animal shelter where they helped care for the animals. I even gave students a platform to share about their mental health struggles and gave them a safe place to share those stories with other students in our school. The most current example was this year, when I had students who came forward and wanted to do something about the bullying issue in our school. I allowed them to talk with students in our school, taught counseling lessons to students in every grade level, and encouraged them to have vulnerable conversations with their peers, teachers, and staff. It was when I stepped back and inventoried the things I was doing in my work, and saw that I wasn’t investing in the things I was passionate about, that I made a change, and that change made all the difference. Ask yourself, “Am I investing in things during the day that bring me joy?” Be honest with yourself and seek to find small pockets of time during the day to connect with those things. My passion is to inspire leadership and service in students. Yours might look a little different, and that’s okay.
Find Your Village
As educators, we are in a position where we are constantly in motion and having to make thousands of decisions in a short time. We are in a position where we will have to answer thousands of questions from parents, co-workers, students, and administration, and at times, it feels like we can’t please anyone. This is when you have to lean into your village. If there’s one thing that has gotten me through difficult times in education, it is the people with whom I have formed connections. I’m not saying you have to form strong bonds with all of your co-workers, but I do feel it’s important that you find at least one trusting connection in your building with whom you can go when in need of support. As a school counselor, I am the only professional in my building who does my job, but I have found at least one trusted colleague whom I can go to when in need of immediate support. I also think it is really important to have professional connections outside of your building that build your professional capacity and can give you a different perspective. The best decision I made was becoming a part of my state’s professional organizations. Through those organizations, I have met so many professionals across the state of Kansas and the country whom I can go to when in need of support. Some of my best friends have formed from these professional connections. Joining these organizations has also provided me with leadership opportunities that have allowed me to increase my impact as a professional and have forced me to reach outside of my comfort zone. Finding a professional village, in and out of your building, can make a tremendous impact on your mental and emotional health.
Love Yourself Enough to Set Boundaries
I’ll never forget the time that my brother sat me down and said, “Dude, if you don’t do something different, this isn’t going to work out for you.” As a young educator, I made my career my entire life. I spent many days getting to work at 5 a.m. and leaving at 5 p.m., many days eating lunch while grading papers, and eating breakfast on the go. I would also spend every Sunday afternoon at school planning for the week or weeks ahead. This wasn’t sustainable. And I asked myself, “Why am I doing this?” I was doing this for all the wrong reasons. I was so worried that if I didn’t spend the time working myself to the bone, people would question my worth and value. My brother was right, if I didn’t do something different, this wasn’t going to work out for me. So, I had to love myself enough to set boundaries. In therapy, my therapist has taught me that when we set boundaries, it may upset people. But as a recovering people pleaser, boundaries are what have saved me and my work. What kind of boundaries have I set?
Well, I am still a work in progress, but here’s what has worked for me.
1. Work during your contract hours. I have found that as an educator, my to-do list is never going to be at zero, so I have started to get done what I can get done, and go home when my contract hours end. I also learned early on that sometimes I have to lock my door to get things done, and that’s okay. This may upset others, but sometimes I have to do what is best for my productivity.
2. Give yourself a reason to leave work every day. Exercise is something I love, and I have intentionally scheduled my workouts for right after school, so it forces me to leave and gives me something to look forward to.
3. Eat lunch with someone in your village. It’s as simple as that. I make a point to eat lunch with the secretaries I work with. They keep me positive and make me laugh.
4. Take your email off your phone. For years, I found myself answering emails in the evenings and weekends. Have enough respect for yourself and those you love to say “this can wait.”
5. Don’t be afraid to say “no.” This has been the most difficult for me. As educators, we are asked to do countless things that don’t always align with our scope of work. It might upset others, but respect yourself enough to say, “This just doesn’t fit my priorities right now.” The more I say “no”, the more I become comfortable with it.
6. Understand that we have zero control over other people’s opinions of us. As I mentioned above, there are going to be many people who don’t agree with us or question our decisions. That's inevitable. One of the best mantras I now use often is “How this person feels about me is none of my business.” It takes the power off the other person and gives that power back to me.
Being an educator is one of the most rewarding professions out there.
We can influence so many people daily. Along with that responsibility comes stress and anxiety, and what I have learned over time is that I have had to show myself a whole lot of compassion in order to show up every day and do my best work. You will have some amazing days where you do amazing things, but there will also be a lot of days where you question your ability to move forward. Those days are when you have to dig deep and walk yourself through the mud. Lean into your village, set a new boundary, or inventory your time, and help yourself, so that you can show up tomorrow and help others.
NICK BRUMMET
Nick Brummet is a middle school counselor in Clay Center, Kansas. He has previously worked as an elementary teacher and an elementary counselor. Nick currently works part-time for the Kansas Department of Education as Counselor Leader Coordinator, where he works to support and provide professional development opportunities for school counselors and school-based mental health professionals in Kansas. He has previously been the president of the Kansas Counseling Association and was most recently elected the president-elect for the Kansas School Counselor Association. He holds degrees in elementary education, K-12 school counseling, and an endorsement in K-12 educational leadership. Outside of education, Nick enjoys traveling, exercising, and spending time with his family and friends.
References:
Agrawal, S. M. and S. (2025, March 26). K-12 workers have highest burnout rate in U.S. Gallup.com. https://news.gallup.com/poll/393500/workers-highest-burnout-rate.aspx
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