Behavior Isn’t the Problem. It’s the Signal
I served as a classroom teacher for several years before moving into school and district administration, and in 2023, I went back to the classroom as a collegiate professor and in full vulnerability, my world was rocked. I was not prepared for the students of today. Yet, I made it a mission to understand, learn more, and engage with a curious mindset of why as I embarked upon this new journey, and it helped me understand so much more.
Not long ago, I was in a classroom doing some support work with a district for long-term improvement. We were conducting walk throughs and we were in a classroom where a student refused to do anything: head down, no eye contact, good ole’ hood over their head.
The teacher, bless their hearts, tried everything with redirection, positive encouragement, even tried threatening consequences (which we know doesn’t work), and of course, nothing seemed to work. And, in full vulnerability, I could feel the frustration and the energy rising in the room because from the outside, it looked like straight up defiance, but it wasn’t.
Here’s the truth: most of what we label as “bad behavior” is actually unmet need, unprocessed emotion, or unclear expectation. We have been trained to correct behavior, but we haven’t been trained to understand it. So, that gap? That gap is where disconnection begins.
Research is clear: behavior is not random, behavior is communication. In fact, when we only respond to what we see on the surface, we miss the real story underneath.
I remember being a 7th Grade Assistant Principal when working on a middle school on the south side of Oklahoma City and there was a student who had more frequent flier miles to my office for a round trip ticket across the globe. You know the one I am talking about. I had started 7th Grade Student of the Week to encourage positive behavior with a certificate and a $7 gift card to a local gas station (trying to make a theme). I remember one week the teachers had recommended this student for the award and I said “no way in hell” but as I drove home and reflected I remembered that those teachers saw moments of brilliance, and moments of changed behavior that I didn’t see. When we did, in fact, award this student and I sent the picture to his mom, she was so appreciative of the positive experience and interaction and was affirming that she knew he had it in him.
Dr. Brad Johnson says, “some people need a chance to shine, some need a second, third, and fourth chance.” As noted in behavior research, many students and individuals
struggle to regulate emotions under stress
lack the skills to communicate what they need
and often act out when they feel unsafe, unseen, or misunderstood
My friends Charle Peck and Joshua Stamper in their book Language of Behavior write: ““If the student doesn’t possess the skills to work through adverse or stressful situations, punishment will not magically create a skill set to help them better manage themselves through a fear-based approach.”
So, when we rely on punishment or correction, we don’t build skill. We reinforce disconnection.
Because behavior doesn’t improve when people feel controlled. It improves when people feel understood and supported.
So, what does this actually mean?
It means that the moment you are experiencing:
the student who shuts down
the employee who snaps
the child who melts down
It is not a problem. It is a signal.
A signal that says:
I don’t feel safe
I don’t feel capable
I don’t feel seen
I don’t know what to do next
When we treat the signal like the problem, then we miss the opportunity to actually solve it.
This is where kindness gets misunderstood. Kindness is not ignoring behaviors, lowering expectations, or making excuses. Kindness is asking: “What is driving this, and how do I respond in a way that actually helps?”
The goal is not compliance, although we may think so. The goal is actually capacity.
So, tomorrow, try this instead of reacting immediately:
1. Pause before you respond
Even 3–5 seconds interrupts your own stress response.
2. Get curious before corrective
Ask:
“What’s going on right now?”
“What do you need?”
3. Name what you see without judgment
“I can tell something feels off today.”
4. Keep the expectation—but change the support
High standards. Different pathway.
These small shifts send a powerful message: You matter, even in this moment.
If this resonated with you, I created a simple, free resource to help build connection in moments like this without overthinking it because the right words, the right actions, at the right moment, can completely change the outcome.
Friend, behavior is a signal and when we learn how to read the signal, we don’t just manage behavior, we change lives.
If your organization is exploring ways to strengthen belonging, connection, and sustainable performance, you can learn more about bringing The Science Of Kindness to your team through workshops, trainings, keynotes, and more!