Kindness Is Strategy
I have vulnerably shared my path to kindness at two different stages in my life, but if you’re not familiar, here’s a quick recap:
I was picked on and bulled in middle school and high school and I vowed that I would never make someone else feel that way. I am not perfect, but I try and make a very conscious effort;
Second, I worked for a boss once who beyond toxic, and it led me to the darkest moments where I had to call the Employee Assistance Helpline and seek the free therapy sessions. And, honestly, for years I carried deep shame and embarrassment, but I also found deep gratitude for this is where I found kindness for myself and others. Not kindergarten kindness, but deep kindness that is transformative. And, since then, I have been on a mission to make kindness go viral.
As I have shared in previous blog writings and posts, I believe that we have a connection problem and I believe that kindness isn’t one more thing, but the thing that changes everything. So, it’s always an honor, joy, and privilege to support teams, organizations, and entities in understanding kindness and exploring ways to implement it, strategically, within the respective spaces.
Recently, I was sitting in a room with a group of executive leaders when someone said it out loud: “I get the kindness thing… but we still have to get results.”
And I paused because it took me right back to that toxic leader, that dark moment of calling the employee assistance help line, and I felt myself changing in real-time because underneath that statement was a belief I hear all the time:
That kindness and performance sit on opposite sides.
That if you focus on people, you lose productivity.
That if you raise expectations, you have to lower empathy.
And the truth? That’s not just wrong, it’s costing people, organizations, and teams more than they realize.
Let me be clear: kindness is not the opposite of high performance. It is the very foundation of it. However, the problem is that most people have been taught that kindness is passive, agreeable, and soft.
The real kindness, the kind that I am talking about is structured and intentional because it creates conditions that people are safe enough to actually perform.
Research in psychology and performance tells us something really powerful: Our brains do not perform at their best under constant stress and threat.
They perform best in positive, supportive environments.
In fact:
Positive emotions increase creativity, motivation, and problem-solving
People in a positive state perform better, think more clearly, and produce higher-quality work
Happiness isn’t the result of success—it’s a driver of it
And when people feel supported, valued, and connected?
Everything changes:
Engagement increases
Health improves
Productivity rises
Research even shows that when employees feel socially supported at work, organizations see lower burnout, fewer sick days, and better overall outcomes. So, to me, that’s not soft, this is structural and foundational to success.
So, let’s make this practical. Every environment, classroom, workplace, organization, runs on one invisible system: The nervous system.
And every person inside that system is constantly asking:
Am I safe here?
Do I belong here?
Do I matter here?
When the answer is yes, the brain opens:
More focus
More creativity
More risk-taking (the good kind)
When the answer is no, the brain protects:
Shutdown
Defensiveness
Minimal effort
So when people say,“We need better performance…”
What they actually need is: Better conditions.
Kindness is not about being nice all the time.
Kindness is:
Clear expectations
Consistent follow-through
Treating people with dignity while holding the standard
It’s what I call: Courageous Kindness
Because it takes courage to:
hold the line and hold the person
give feedback that develops, not diminishes
lead with clarity instead of control
If you want to improve performance starting tomorrow:
1. Replace vague expectations with clear ones: Clarity is kindness.
2. Pair feedback with belief: “I’m giving you this because I know you can do it.”
3. Recognize effort, not just outcomes: The brain needs reinforcement to keep going.
4. Create moments of connection before correction: People receive better when they feel seen.
These aren’t “extra.” They are the work. This is not unique for just schools, or executive teams, this is for every place where people engage, interact, and connect.
I think back: I am confident that had this been the case with toxic leadership in my experiences, the turnover wouldn’t be high, the innovation wouldn’t be stagnant, and trust wouldn’t be broken, but all was damaged because when everyone asked “Am I safe here?” 62.5% said no because 50/80 left that year. I am confident it was higher than that, but some stayed in the toxicity for survival, yet still didn’t feel safe. Sound familiar?
If you’re realizing that performance and people are more connected than you thought, I created a simple tool to help you. The Ripple Round™ is a Science of Kindness™ protocol designed to regulate, connect, and reinforce belonging through intentional language. A structured, repeatable micro-practice that creates a culture ripple through intentional language, reflection, and recognition. What we say shapes what people feel. What people feel shapes how they show up. That’s the ripple. Download your copy here.
Kindness isn’t soft. It’s strategic.
And the environments that understand that? They don’t just feel better. They perform better.
We have a choice and there are impacts of our choices; which will you choose? Always rooting for you!
If your organization is exploring ways to strengthen belonging, connection, and sustainable performance, you can learn more about bringing The Science Of Kindness to your team through workshops, trainings, keynotes, and more!